- Michelle Curtis believes some of the challenges she faced as a mother were the result of helicopter parenting.
- The 38-year-old said she grew up believing her retired mother would help support her grandchildren.
- Millennials, like herself, are disappointed that Boomer grandparents aren't hands-on, she said.
When Michelle Curtis returned to work after maternity leave, she thought she could count on her mother, Marjorie Hirshberg, to care for the baby.
But the 38-year-old told Business Insider that things didn't go as planned.
She said she was “shocked” when Hirschberg asked to be paid for her services. A few years later, Curtis said it was “shaky” when Grandma quit for good because she wanted more time with her husband, Eddie.
“It was definitely a feeling of ‘Wait, what?’” Curtis said of the “traumatic” moment.
She said her mother's decision – which made her feel “abandoned” – was inconsistent with the way she was raised. She said she was raised to believe she could turn to Hirshberg whenever she needed help.
“I've thought that's not the case at all for the last 30 years of my life,” the mother-of-two added. “It was a little scary to think that I no longer had that support.”
She said her experience was not unique, and that many other millennials — people born between 1981 and 1996 — felt the same loss when they started families of their own.
“They're more likely to expect help from their parents with their kids — especially if they're working moms — if they grew up like me,” Curtis added.
Curtis described her mother as a helicopter mother — with her best interests at heart
“You have a codependent relationship with your mother, and then, during one of the most stressful times of your life — you have two kids, you're a working parent, you have very little time, very high stress — the rug is ripped out from under you,” she said.
Curtis described Hirshberg as a “helicopter father,” saying the 66-year-old had the best intentions. She said she didn't want to be seen as a “spoiled little brat” who resented her loving upbringing.
But she said her childhood occurred during a period when parents tended to bubble wrap their children, overdefend them and lavish attention on them.
“Starting at a very young age, any time I had a project in school that I had to do, or I had a concert coming up, and I needed clothes, my mom would say, ‘Oh, let me help you, I can help you do that. ” Curtis said.
“If I was late for school, she would write me a note. If I missed an assignment, she would step in with some sort of excuse to save me from discipline.”
As a result, she said, she, like many of her fellow baby boomers — the generation born between 1955 and 1964 — became less self-reliant as an adult.
“I never learned to wash clothes until I was in college because my mother would interfere,” she said. “I had a problem at work one time, and she said, 'Should I call your boss?'
“I don't think it was her idea to make me dependent, but I became dependent on her.”
Curtis said she deliberately decided to raise her daughter, Maisie, 6, and son, Aidan, 4, not to follow in her footsteps.
“There's something to be said about teaching kids accountability and letting them know about their problems,” she told BI. “And this is how I raise my children.”
She added that she thinks about what will happen to them as they grow older; “One day, she'll be an adult. And one day, I won't be here.”
The millennial mom has always been strict about scheduled nap times
Curtis said her parenting style differs from her mother's in other ways as well. “Raising children can be more difficult these days because of science and learning,” she said. Experts have found that some strategies — often less appropriate for caregivers — lead to healthier, happier children, she said.
For example, while Hirschberg would let her infants nap in the stroller when she was out and about, her daughter was strict about the sleep schedule.
“There's a lot of evidence about how babies are supposed to sleep,” said Curtis, who works in technology. She said set nap times require babysitters to stay home more often but encourages good sleep practices.
“I'm willing to make the sacrifice, but are Boomers willing to help their millennial kids make the same sacrifice? Probably not. They'll say things like, 'Why can't you let the kids sleep in the car?' Because that's what they did,” Curtis said. “.
Meanwhile, she said grandparents should be either inside or outside when it comes to watching their grandchildren. “If you commit to babysitting, you can't back out or swing back and forth.”
Curtis said she is raising her children to be less dependent on her than she was
Another factor is the tendency of boomers to pursue their own interests as they grow older, unlike previous generations who did not venture far, she said.
“It's like a light bulb goes off and you realize: Oh, wait, I want to retire and not help my kids anymore.”
Curtis said she can understand their motivations. But she said they shouldn't be surprised if their children aren't happy. “How do you expect these millennial kids to react to that?” She said.
“That's part of the reason I'm trying to raise my kids to be independent and responsible,” she said, adding, “I might want to go on vacation for two months one day and not be available.”
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